MY FIVE FUTURE DREAMS

ONE

To get my father's name actually written on his headstone. He deserves it and everybody deserves their closure. To have a grandmother say “It's fine because we know he's there” doesn't cut it. I want people to know who's there long after all of us are gone.
TWO

To have a normal family. With emphasis on the word normal. I want an average, working parents, children-filled, happy household. I know these days "normal" isn't necessarily a word you should use, but normal to me is just- easy. No problems. No complications.
THREE

I want my mum to be happy. Just that.
FOUR

To sing on stage somewhere, like I used to.
FIVE

You sometimes get that feeling, well, always get that feeling- that you're meant for something more. A lot more than this, everybody does. But you get this feeling almost constantly and it drives you insane. A voice in your head warning you of imminent death. That’s why you're awful at doing nothing. Or just sat watching T.V. Always having to do something. Keep busy and you won’t get that constant reminder of “What is the point of all of this?” You don’t expect that it’s just you. But you'd suppose if everyone was like it they'd all be panic-struck crazy people. You worry way too much. Way too much. You won’t do certain things in fear of what people would think or say. Most people just don’t interest you. They all seem so normal, whatever normal is. Normal is boring. Therefore, "people" bore you. They like going out, drinking, having a good time. That’s too… what’s the word? Too… generic. Too regular. Routine. God, You hate that word. Routine. You want unexpected, unpredictable, unreal and other words beginning with ‘un’. That’s who you are. Un-normal.. Not average. Well, at least you don’t want to be. But you're going down a route that's so predictable it's scaring you. You are scared. Of everything. You have a weird thing with eyes you'd like to get over – won’t watch people touch or do anything to them – makes you retch just thinking about it. You won’t go on fair rides because you can't trust anything that comes out of the back of a van. Wooden roller coasters – too rickety and shaky. Log Flumes – too wet and high. Blood – too gross. Hospitals –weird smell. Being alone. Death. Life. You are scared. Life itself – the concept, the miracle. You can’t comprehend how miraculous it all is. Think about it. Think about your life. The good times, the bad times, the boy/girlfriends, your mam and dad, your schooling –or lack of-, your friends, your life. Your own world. And think how big all those memories seem. Not quite the right word, ‘big’, but…how important these things are to you and how big your world is. Now think of the actual world itself. There are billions of people on it. And these billions of people all have that same type of world you do in your head. It’s not even real to think how many memories and experiences are going on right now. How you could even be writing and reading this just fills you with awe. How people are able to recognize the symbols of language. Constructing. You don’t feel like anyone appreciates it as much as you do. That’s why. That’s the whole point. I just don’t understand anything. You say you want normality. But safety is too safe. And thinking about it now… You don’t think you want to.