MY FIVE (NOT SO SECRET) PASSIONS

ONE

An average person would probably scratch their heads and look confused is someone were you yell “IF YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!”, announcing to the entirety of Facebook that you have to avoid the internet for a number of days because you don't want a Pay-Per-View spoiled or how Kharma needs to come back (and they're not referencing the fates of the universe). I am talking about Wrestling. Sweaty men in shorts grabbing each other in various holds in order to “win” a match. Wrestling is “my” soaps – except with better story lines and better fights.

TWO

“Oh, la la la, cashing up, putting the money on the machine, what does that equal? 67p! A whole 67p! Writing down numbers on a sheet and putting it into a computer... discrepancy! DISCREPANCY! How do we rectify this discrepaaaannncccyyy?!”
Imagine that to some tuneless melody and you'll stumble upon probably the most irritating thing I do. Singing everything I do. I mean everything. I'm singing this right now as I type. La la la!

THREE

We fell in love with Shenmue, were captivated and left hanging by Shenmue 2, now we're praying and begging for a Shenmue 3. The “we” being a small group of people who love their DreamCast. An old games console that was way before its time by having internet access in the 90s. Older games are another passion of mine, especially Shenmue – a story in which a teenager is hell-bent on avenging the death of his father through martial arts.

FOUR

“Jokes about German sausages are the wurst”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organisation”

“A girl said she recognised me from Vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore”

… that's right.

Puns.

Puns and bad jokes will have me laughing for hours.

...It's because I think they're punny.

I chuckled at myself, and I'm not even ashamed.

FIVE

You sit in the circle. Smiling. Wearing a pink ‘My Little Pony’ t-shirt with the word ‘Princess’ on it. A flowery bobble tying your hair half-up half-down. It’s your first day at school. College. Nervous and twitchy.

The teacher strolls confidently in and tells you all to grab chairs and put them in a circle – “For everyone to get to know each other better” he says. You grab one of the blue, plastic chairs - it screeches as you pull it. An embarrassed smile dons your face as your cheeks slowly turn a darker shade of pink, almost matching your t-shirt. Why did I have to wear this today. Baby. It’s not much of a circle, more of a semi, so you plonk your chair clumsily on the end of the row. The teacher comments on the condition of your class’ so-called circle and tells everyone to pull their chairs in. Great.

You have to sit right next to your teacher. Mr – something. You didn’t quite catch his name; you were too busy fretting over not making the squeaky noise with the chair again. Only you do. A few people titter. “Pardon you!” the teacher booms as your cheeks surpass the colour of your t-shirt. You have to start by telling the class your name. “Nicole, Adam, Sean, Stephanie, Adrian, Susan, Katie, Christian, Elle, Joe, David” then you. You say your name out loud, tensely croaking it out.

Question after question is answered around this circle. “What’s your favourite film?” Tummy aching. “What’s your favourite food?” Sweaty Palms. “What’s your favourite colour?” You rack your brain every time for an answer that won’t make you stand out as ‘the weird one.’ Then the question you dreaded from the start. “What’s your favourite genre of music?” Answers come around slowly. It’s nearing the end of the lesson and you stare at your watch urging the second hand to go faster. Praying for the bell to ring. The teacher calls your name. “What’s your favourite genre of music?”

So you sit in the circle. Smiling. Wearing a pink ‘My Little Pony’ t-shirt with the word ‘Princess’ on it. A flowery bobble tying your hair half-up half-down.

“Heavy metal” you say.